Writing posts like this always helps me. Writing in general helps me to get my mind straight, so bare with me...
My life is shit right now. Why? Because I screwed up. Remember that guy I was dating...? Yeah, he kinda messed me up really bad. Our relationship was toxic and destructive. He changed me so much to the point that I don’t even recognize my self. I'm so messed up, that I’ve been having this recurring dream where I keep getting texts from my friends, my brother, my mom, asking what happened to me, what happened to the girl they all used to know. This is how broken I am.
We broke up in August. And since that I’ve been devastated. I mean, there was a time where I was dragging my self trough the ground. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I cried every day and every night... It was though. Mostly because of some of the things he said...
This guy was really nice. A simple guy, from the north of Portugal. I have no idea how tha'hell she knows is him, since he just moved to Lisbon. He told us that he has a girlfriend, who’s in the UK and that he doesn’t really know anyone here yet. So we all went out again the next two days.
He got my phone number and after my friend left he stated texting me. I wasn’t interested in him at all. He is super smart and funny, and hanging out with was fun. But I could tell from the way he was texting me that he wanted more than just hang. But I has so down, I was feeling so bad about my self, that I was ignoring any of his invites. For almost a week he invited me every single day for something. I always came up with an excuse not to go.
In the meantime, my ex-boyfriend decided that he missed me and that after all he wanted to be with me again. I was super happy! I went to meet him, we here going to have dinner. But than we saw that I had the tinder app installed on my phone. It wasn’t even logged on with my name! My friend and I, we used it when she was here, just to see if we could find anyone we knew, just to laugh and to make me think of something else. He lost his mind. He almost called me a whore and once again made me feel like I was worthless.
But you know what, sometimes you just need a huge slap on the face to wake up. I cried all the way home. But when I got home I realized that this person has been destroying me for the past year.
The other guy was still trying pretty hard to see me again, so I the next day I went and had a coffee with him. Just coffee. And we had fun. And the next day he invited me for dinner. At his place. I was really reluctant to accept his invite. I really was. Called my friend. She said “go, and enjoy being with someone that is dying to be with you”. And you know what, he was. We had dinner and wine, we talked and made fun of each other’s accents, and we kissed and we slept together. And for the first time in so long I fucking felt like someone was attracted to me. This guy was so persistent, he even went to the trouble of cooking me dinner, while knowing that I wasn’t really that interested in him! My confidence was totally recharged! And now I honestly feel so much better about myself. I feel like a curse was lift of. I feel like everything is bright and beautiful again. Everything has colour, everything has life. I can't explain. I know that I'm a cool, smart, amazing girl, and that I deserve so much better than the other asshole. I’m in control of my own life and my own feelings and although I still do think that asshole is my soulmate, he just can’t understand what he made me trough. He doesn’t understand how much he messed up with my head, with my values, with my identity. I almost hate him for that.
So yeah, this is what's been going on. For the past few weeks I’ve been having fun with that other guy. I thought this was a one time thing, that we wouldn’t want to be with me again. But no, he kept texting me, he kept wanting to be with me... I went to his place a couple of times, we talk, we watch movies, we drink, and do other stuff. I am having fun, and I feel like I’m finally my self again.
I have zero romantic feelings for him. Specially because he has a girlfriend. He told me that they have some sort of agreement... and open relationship or whatever. I don’t know if I believe him, but I don’t care. This is doing me so good, let’s just forget that technicality!