Every year my office Christmas party is always an eventful experience. This was my third time attending, and for the third time a lot happen.
First some backstory -- there's this guy at work that I've had a crush since ever. Ever since I say him for the very fist time three years ago, always thought he was cute. But that we were never at the same office and because of that I never really used to see him. But somehow we started going to the gym together and we have been spending some time together. We are gym buddies and we have a lot of fun together at the gym. We have our own inside jokes and everything.
And at the party, well, we basically spent the whole party together. We drank and danced and we had a lot of fun.
At the end of the night I started to notice that he was trying to be alone with me. We went to get out coats and as we were approaching the very huge line to the coat checker he hold my hand. And I got super nervous and did everything I could to stop holding hands with him. I wasn't expecting that at all. The line was to big and I was cold and din't want to wait standing up by the door so we went back inside and we sat on a couch. It was a three person couch and there were just the two of us, yet he sat super close to me. So close that I had the urge to ask if rather sit on my lap -- but than it hit me. We was making a move! And so I tried to respond to what he was doing. He put his arm around me, and we cuddle a little bit on that couch, we hold hands -- he was so warm and his hand felt so nice -- he kissed me in the forehead, I was playing with his tie. It think it was the first time we ever even touched. I was super nervous and I was just trying to play it cool. Waiting for him to kiss me, because honestly that's were I thought this was leading up to. But no. After a while, we went back to the line for the coats. At first I was hugging him face-to-face, and it honestly was super awkward. My face was right up his neck and I kissed him on the neck and he kissed me on my forehead and on my face. But he never kissed me on the lips.
When we said goodbye, I thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to steal a kiss. I though that maybe I would be able to do that little trick, where you lightly turn your face and that he would get the hint. And honestly I thought he was going to do it, because he was looking me in the eyes and he was leaning forward but he ended up kissing me on the forehead. I wasn't expecting that at all and I didn't know what to do. I just saw him walk away without doing anything.
Yesterday we went to the gym together like always. And it was like nothing ever happens. Friends -- or whatever we are -- as usual. I'll be honest, I never thought he would want anything with me. And I'm not sure he does anyway. I wasted my opportunity to show him that I want to be with him and now I don't know when I'll have a new one.
I'm usually not like this. I'm upset! I'm upset because I wasn't able to make the first move. Maybe it's because I'm falling for another guy from work. And we all know how good that went. Even tho they are two completely different persons. Or maybe it's because I saw my ex making out with some girl at the party and cheating on the girl he left me for.
I want to move on but I feel like my feet are nailed to the ground. I want to be in a real relationship where I can really feel loved, safe and committed. My last readership was a mess -- and yeah, I have my fuckboy and even tho we is really sweet and have a lot of fun together, when our thing started he was cheating on his girlfriend. He was cheating on his girlfriend with me. I like him but I don't see him as someone I can have a real relationship with.